Correction: It’s Actually the Bored of Peace
Secretary of State Little Marco here. First of all, I’ve been instructed to never apologize, so this isn’t that.
What happened is, the graphic designers got it all wrong. When President Trump said he was assembling a Board of Peace, what he really meant was he was “bored of peace.” The marketing firm passed it off to some junior-grade designer who totally misheard it, and now it’s on all the letterhead, the website, and even the commemorative NFTs that we’re selling for $100 a pop.
I think the guy was named Julio. Rest assured, he is currently on a bus to Alligator Alcatraz.
I don’t know why everyone is so surprised. President Trump has been very clear with the American people that he is not interested in peace. Did you not notice the little coup we just ran in Venezuela? Or maybe the “excursion” to Iran that’s killed over 8,000 people across the middle east? Does that sound like the actions of a man interested in peace? Please.
If this is upsetting, the international community can only blame itself. By not awarding President Trump the Nobel Peace Prize, Norway sent a clear signal that President Trump should consider himself off the chain. I mean, everyone who doesn’t win the world’s most prestigious award for stopping war should at least get to start a few, right?
And don’t tell me that the FIFA Peace Prize counts. It was a thoughtful bribe, but the President has instructed me that soccer is unamerican and for pussies. If WWE starts awarding a peace prize, we would, of course, reassess our posture.
The Bored of Peace Foundation is a private institution, with President Trump as Chairman for Life. However, it worked closely with the State Department and War Department on critical missions to alleviate presidential boredom brought on by a depressing outbreak of peace, especially in the Middle East.
Ever since the Gaza war wrapped up last year, it was yawn city in the Situation Room. Yeah, there was the Ukraine conflict, but the front line has barely moved in four years. What a snooze-fest! And the landscape there is so bleak. The President didn’t want to see more wrinkly babushkas wailing about their burned homes. He needed causalities right out of Central Casting.
That’s why the Bored of Peace was so excited to partner with us on the Iran war. The United States military has, of course, provided the actual ordinance and bodies for the conflict, but the Bored has been incredibly helpful setting us up for success. They laid out a clear three-point plan to end President Trump’s peace-induced boredom in no time:
Attack without telling anyone why, ensuring an open-ended conflict.
Strap fifty pounds of fireworks onto every Tomahawk missile so that the explosions look really flipping cool.
Do it really half-assed, thus radicalizing the next generation of formerly peace-minded Iranian youth and ensuring the conflict remains fresh and exciting for years to come.
Also, please don’t confuse the B.O.P. with two other initiatives the White House has on the backburner. There’s the Bored of Piece, which is an exploratory committee that the President is assembling to look into alternatives to pizza Fridays (let’s face it, it’s going to be cheeseburgers, but there has to be a process). Also, I’m not talking about the Board of Pieces, which is a Settlers of Catan group that JD Vance is trying to put together on Wednesdays. Don’t tell him I know about it, though. I’m pretending I don’t get his Signal chats.
With exciting opportunities in Cuba, Taiwan, the West Bank, Sudan, Yemen, China, and North Korea, rest assured that the Bored will be able to provide decades of quality content that will outlive this administration.