Hegseth: Iranian Rockets are just Celebrating Progress on Peace Deal
Iranians Out of Fireworks, so Using Explosive Drones Instead
You may have heard the liberal Fake News media reporting that the ceasefire with Iran is “crumbling” or “on paper only” or “not actually a ceasefire anymore.” Should we expect anything other than these lies from the libtards at the New York Times?
The truth couldn’t be more clear: we’ve made massive progress on a once-in-a-lifetime epic deal, and both sides are just celebrating that fact.
We wanted to use fireworks, but can you blame us for not shipping them to the Persian Gulf? It would take weeks. And how would we even get them through the Strait of Hormuz, anyways? Use your brains.
The only sensible course of action was to use the abundant supplies of explosives that we already had on-site. That’s why we recently sent a batch of celebratory cruise missiles to an Iran drone control site. We just wanted to let them know that peace is near, and we should all celebrate that fact.
The peace deal is as good as signed. Like, 95% of the way there. I’m pretty sure they are just checking the fonts. They wanted a copy in whatever chicken-scratch shit Iranian is written in, whereas we are insisting on a bold, masculine font like Times New Roman. The President is pushing for Times New American, but that isn’t decided yet.
In the meantime, the President and I are glad that the Iranians are getting in the spirit of the things. In response to our peace-celebrating missiles, they thoughtfully responded by giving us a delightful show over a US base in Kuwait. Our boys got such a thrill that they got in on the act too. Unfortunately our celebratory fire intercepted their peace drones, but the explosion was a beautiful sight anyways.
It is a long American tradition to recognize historic achievements with explosions. If the Dodgers get to shoot off fireworks every time Shohei Ohtani scores a home run, shouldn’t the ending of a war merit at least as great a show?
This President has already personally ended over 439 wars in the past year alone, a completely thankless and selfless task of historic proportions. Isn’t it only fair that he should get to celebrate his latest historic almost-achievement?