Jurassic Park Exhibits Now Safe After New Guardrails Released

Velociraptors Definitely Not Escaping This Time

“Today we’re launching Claude Fable 5: a Mythos-class model that we’ve made safe for general use. […] Releasing a model this capable comes with risks. Without safeguards, Fable 5’s capabilities in areas like cybersecurity could be misused to cause serious damage.” —Anthropic

We at Masrani Global Corporation (formerly InGen) have made mistakes, sometimes tragic ones. But we are here to announce today, we are reopening our original real-live dinosaur theme park, having definitely fixed the fences for real this time.

We’re the first to admit it; the first time we released a fence model, it failed, and a bunch of people got eaten. Boy did we have egg on our face. Then there was that time a T-rex escaped his cage and rampaged through San Diego and ate some people. Plus six or ten other times when dinosaurs escaped their cages and ate a bunch of people. But have you considered that we are really super sure we’ve got it right this time?

With adequate guardrails around every exhibit, there’s no reason that we cannot safely contain the largest most dangerous carnivores the world has ever known at least 95% of the time.

We humbly admit (though not in a way admissible in court) that our past guardrails haven’t always lived up to their promise. Like how we had backup generators for the electric fences. Or how all the dinosaurs were female and could never reproduce if they escaped. Or how all the dinosaurs had GPS trackers. Or how they could never escape the island. Or how the dinosaurs were dependent on special injections without which they would quickly die.

Admittedly, all of those measures eventually failed. But this is a fast-moving, iterative business. Of course there are going to be a few speed-bumps, and a few hundred people devoured from time to time. No model of fencing is flawless. Until now. This time, we’re making the fences 2 feet taller. Pretty cool right?

We want to get ahead of the early criticism of our new, more robust system. There have already been some reports that our fences rust over time with prolonged use. Our response is, don’t use them for a long time! We’re recommending that people change out the fences for the exhibits they are going to see at least once a month. Obviously, we can’t be responsible for changing that many fences ourselves, but we trust our users.

And yes, there are reports of unscrupulous individuals “jailbreaking” certain dinosaur pens just by hitting the “open” button on the gates 12 times until the door opens. We’re happy to report that we’ve fixed it; you now have to hit open 13 times before the door opens.

Some have even alleged that people have been using the dinosaur pens to commit suicide. These are tragic and isolated instances, for which Jurassic park is in no way liable. After all, there are loads of ways to commit suicide. That’s why we post a “please don’t commit suicide in the T-Rex pen” sign along with a QR code for the Suicide Prevention Hotline.

Even if we can only stop an Indominus rex rampage 98% of the time, I think we can all agree that the benefits far outweigh the risks. I mean, c’mon! They’re friggin dinosaurs. We’re not going to not have dinosaurs when the technology exists. Sure, we could slow down our progress in the name of safety, but our rival, Mantah Corp, is just going to ramp up their own killer dinosaur cloning operation and pass us by.

So bring the kids! Jurassic Park is open for business, and will never have another serious incident again. For realsies this time.

As of publication time, the velociraptors have learned to stand on top of each other in order to jump out of their pens. Masrani Global Corporation plans to release a patched fence model to the public next month which will solve the problem permanently.