M*A*S*H: Iran War
The gang returns for more zany hijinks, Middle-Eastern style
In light of the failure to reach a permanent end to the Iran War, combined with a failure to make Paramount+ profitable, CBS has decided to revive the beloved war comedy drama M*A*S*H for a new generation.
The Raspberry Oatmeal has obtained an excerpt of the upcoming pilot.
FADE IN:
ACT ONE:
INT: MEDICAL TENT AT A US AIR BASE IN KUWAIT - MORNING.
Doctors and nurses are operating feverishly on a group of Iranian drone-strike casualties. Their scrubs are stained with blood.
HAWKEYE: If it gets any hotter we’re going to have to move the operating tables into the Arabian Sea at high tide.
CPT. HUNNICUTT: I dunno, the Strait of Hormuz is pretty “hot” these days, too.
HAWKEYE: Strait of Hormuz? I’ll go straight, left, right or backwards. Any direction to get me out of this verkakte war.
COLONEL POTTER: Easy, soldier. The Department of War says this isn’t a War. It’s an “excursion.”
HAWKEYE: How do you like that? They change the department name from Defense to War, and then they stop having wars. Maybe next year they can change it to Department of Death, then people will stop dying? Nurse, clamp here. [Hotlips Houlihan obliges].
CPT. HUNNICUTT: Ah, but you’re forgetting something, Hawkeye, this war–
COLONEL POTTER: Excursion!
CPT. HUNNICUTT: This war-excursion ended over two months ago. Actually, according to the Commander in Chief, we’ve re-won the war-excursion every week since. I think it usually happens on Thursdays around 3:15AM when the President is Truthing on his phone.
HAWKEYE: Is that so? [he holds up his blood-soaked gloved hands] Then this must be tickertape parade confetti on my hands.
HOTLIPS: Captain Pierce, could you please focus on the operation? This young man has a severe hemorrhage thanks to an Iranian ballistic missile.
HAWKEYE: [continue to work on the patient] No, that can’t be right, Margaret. The Iranian military ceased to exist weeks ago. I saw it on Fox Nation. This kid probably just walked into a fireworks factory with his corncob pipe lit.
HOTLIPS: Hawkeye, will you please not make light of such a serious–
[Enter Radar]
RADAR: Choppers!
COLONEL POTTER: Radar, what do you mean choppers? We ain’t in Korea anymore, you know.
RADAR: Oh, golly! Sorry Colonel. I mean drones! Drones incoming!
COLONEL POTTER: Hit the deck everyone!
[The sound of an Iranian drone grows louder, until it finally strikes the ground nearby, shaking the whole tent. The lights flicker, and dust flies up into the air]
HAWKEYE: If this is an excursion, then that must have been a bird call. These Iranian Revolutionary Guards apparently didn’t see Pete Kegsbreath’s last press conference where he say they were annihilated.
CPT. HUNNICUTT: I think they only get C-SPAN on Wednesdays out here.
The staff all stumble to their feet and resume work.
ENTER Father Mulcahy
FATHER MULCAHY: Is everyone alright? That was a terrific explosion. I dropped my rosary in my morning Baid Tamath. It’s going to smell like cumin all week.
HAWKEYE: Just a little love-tap from the Ayatollah, Father.
CPT. HUNNICUTT: Do you ever get the feeling someone doesn’t like you?
RADAR: All the time, sir. [Glances sidelong at Hotlips]
FATHER MULCAHY: Perhaps I should start praying to Allah as well as Jehovah. It’s all the same God, you know.
HAWKEYE: You’d be better off praying that the C-in-C doesn’t get caught up in any more Epstein Files, or he’s going to start a war in Cuba next. Then you’d be up to your neck by Commie Atheists!
FATHER MULCAHY: [Shrugs] Wouldn’t be the first time.
[Laugh track]
CPT. HUNNICUTT: It would sure beat North Korea. At least in Cuba we’d be able to get a decent drink. All this desert, and there’s not a mojito in sight.
HOTLIPS: After listening to you boys crack wise for another ten years, I’m going to need an entire pitcher full.
[Laugh track].
FADE OUT