New Jersey Must Be Made Part of Greenland
Editorial: Prime Minister Jens-Frederik Nielsen
“With the conflict in Iran still smoldering, President Donald Trump’s obsession with Greenland seems like a forgotten sideshow.
“But for the past four months, negotiators from the United States, Greenland and Denmark, which controls Greenland’s foreign affairs, have been holding confidential talks in Washington about Greenland’s future.”
–The New York Times
NATO must help Greenland acquire New Jersey, and anything less is unacceptable. It is clear that if New Jersey does not become part of Greenland, then China or Russia are going to move in instead. As defenders of the free world, Greenlanders cannot countenance such a vital strategic territory falling into anyone else’s caribou-fur-lined mittens.
I, Prime Minister Jens-Frederik Nielsen, have heard it stated by Governor Murphy that, “If New Jersey has to choose between the Greenland and the United States here and now, we choose the United States. We choose NATO. We choose North America.”
To the governor, I can only say I disagree with him. I don’t know who he is. I don’t know anything about him. But, that’s going to be a big problem for him.
New Jersey is what I feel is psychologically needed for success.
New Jersey is the lynchpin of Greenland’s security. It underpins our entire southern border. If we are not free to install the 102nd snowmobile regiment outside of Hoboken, it’s only a matter of time before Mexico starts rolling right up I-95, parks at Newark Liberty International Airport, and gets on the next United Airlines flight to Nuuk. Greenlanders are not going to be caught with our seal-skin takisut down.
It has been argued that existing treaties give us the absolute right to install air force bases in New Jersey without the need to own the Garden State outright. No one denies this. But ownership of New Jersey is what I feel is psychologically needed for success. And aren’t my psychological needs more important than some treaty?
The fact is, this is prime real estate, and we’re not going to pass up a lucrative opportunity like that. I mean, Atlantic City? Come on. Casinos are like mints. You’d have to be an idiot to fail in that business.
That is why I have dispatched foreign minister Vivian Motzfeldt to Trenton to negotiate a deal. New Jerseyans would be wise to accept. Greenland is the natural protector of the west. For hundreds of years, we’ve kept the Jersey Shore safe from polar bears, narwhals, and arctic foxes. And who else but Greenland could have gotten NATO to invest a minimum of 5% of GDP in reindeer cavalry?
It would be regrettable, but force is not off the table. The security of the world is too important. And yes, I’ve heard the arguments that us conquering New Jersey would only embolden other superpowers like the Falkland Islands to invade India, or would help justify Fiji’s illegal invasion of Germany. But these are false equivalencies. After all, we’re the good guys, and those other guys are bad. So there.
And yeah, I have heard the reports that 85% of Garden Staters prefer to remain under the tyranny of the United States. But once they see everything that Greenland has to offer them, I think we are going to see those numbers change in a big way. Have you ever tasted kæstur hákarl? You take a poisonous Greenland Shark, bury it for a few months, then dry it out until that rich ammonia smell really gets going. I’ll send you my dear old anaanaasoq’s recipe.
I’d love to make a deal with New Jersey. It’s easier. But one way or the other, we’re going to have it.