Pope Leo XIV Draws Red Card in World Cup Match
Pontiff: "If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen"
As World Cup 2026 got underway Thursday, team Vatican faced a serious setback with the loss of their star forward Pope Leo XIV.
The 70-year-old pontiff leads the team in scoring since he joined the squad in May 2025. The penalty means Leo will face a one-game suspension, forcing Vatican City to rejigger their lineup for Wednesday’s marquee match against Germany.
Things had been going poorly for the all-Catholic squadron for most of the match, played against a strong Portuguese side. Forward Cristiano Ronaldo opened things up in just the 7th minute with a chip shot that arced over 80-year-old Vatican goalkeeper Cardinal Fernando Filoni’s outstretched hands.
For a while it looked as though the Holy See would keep things competitive. On a fast break in minute 23, Pope Leo streaked down the centerfield and took a powerful cross from Archbishop of Toronto, Frank Leo. A spinning kick buried the ball in the upper left corner of the net. The pontiff proceeded to hurl his gilded miter into the air as he slid on his knees in celebration. The removal of his headgear drew an immediate yellow card.
There had been some question before the World Cup of whether Leo might choose to play with the American team. The pope is a native of Chicago, Illinois.
“Vatican City may be my adopted City-State,” commented Leo before the match, “But I gots to represent my people. I’m Catholic for life, bitches.”
Bluster could not keep the game from turning into a rout, however. Portugal took back the lead in the 37th minute, and tacked on two more goals in the 66th and 72nd minutes, respectively.
A frustrated pontiff could be seen berating his fellow players for a perceived lack of drive. Lip readers caught the leader of the world’s 1.4 billion Catholics berating his left winger after letting a hard pass go out of bounds. “[Cardinal Tarcisio] Bertone, I’m gonna invent a new circle of Hell for you if you don’t get off your [expletive] ass and run.”
Things boiled over for the rookie starter in the 86th minute, when his elbow collided with the nose of midfielder Bruno Fernandes. With blood streaming down his face, an enraged Fernandes had to be held back by teammates as Pope Leo taunted him, making “crybaby” motions with his hands.
The referee interposed himself between the players and quickly raised a red card. As Leo slowly made his way off the field, he could be seen sarcastically clapping at the referee. On his way to the tunnel, the Pope let off his frustration with a kick to the Powerade cooler, while other Vatican team staff kept their distance.
“He’s just a really passionate guy,” said Cardinal Mauro Gambetti (Archpriest of St. Peter’s Basilica, and conditioning coach). “If we’re going to get out of the group stage, we’ll need that passion. Sometimes he just gets a bit too much of the Holy Spirit, you know?”
At press time, the Pope was drafting a Papal Bull excommunicating the entire Portuguese squad, as well as the officiating staff.