Supreme Court Decision: Voting Rights Act
Because Racism is Dead
Syllabus
Roberts ET AL. v. The Voting Rights Act
APPEAL FROM THE COURT OF POPULAR OPINION
No. 66–666. Argued every day—Decided right now
Chief “Umpire” of the Supreme Court, John Roberts here. I joined the court in 2005 (OMG, that was when Green Day’s American Idiot came out. Now I feel old.) I said at my confirmation hearings that I would “call strikes and balls” from the bench, not make policy.
And that’s exactly what we did with Louisiana v. Callais, which “massaged” the Voting Rights Act of 1965 into a pleasant new shape.
Some deranged individuals have chosen the far more loaded word of “gutted” to describe the court’s findings re: the VRA.
I think it’s time to clear the air. This court does nothing more or less than interpret the law in light of the Constitution. So, let’s do that.
Once and for all, here is the Court’s final, and deeply fair interpretation of the Voting Rights Act.
Gerrymandered districts are a blight on our democracy and illegal unless you do them for craven political purposes, just as James Madison intended.
A law cannot be considered racist unless the opening title reads: “WE ARE DOING A RACISM. BIG OL’ RACISM, RIGHT HERE.” Because if they don’t say it’s racist, then how can we be sure? This court would rather allow a thousand secretly racist bills to go through than see one innocent, non-racist voting rights restriction go unfulfilled.
Actually, you can forget that last one, because it turns out racism is dead. Did you know that Mississippi elected TWO black senators back in the 1870s? How could a former slave state do that if they were racist? And the fact that they’ve had a bit of a “dry spell” for the following 150 years must mean that the black 36% of the population prefer white candidates 100% of the time.
Also, we elected Barack Obama President (I mean, not “we,” per se, but you know, America or whatever).
It is blatantly unconstitutional to require southern states to seek federal approval for changes to their voting laws. Right around 1965, those guys really cleaned up their act. Fair ball, I say!
Challenges made by white Republicans are still legal. I think that’s in Article IX of the Constitution? That’s the White Supremacy one, right?
Cite as: 666 U. S. ____ (2026) 37
Opinion of the Court
It is so ordered.