We'd Really Rather You Didn't Cancel Your Service
Don't make us hurt you ...
We are so sorry to hear you wish to cancel your annual subscription! There’s just a few easy steps, and we’ll get you all squared away.
First, please confirm: do you really want to cancel?
You have chosen Yes. We understand. But have you considered all the benefits you would be losing? Press “continue” to proceed, or any one of 8 large “Keep My Service!” buttons.
I see you have located the “continue” button, although it was printed in 6-pt font in the upper left corner of the screen. You appear determined. To proceed please type out the word “Cancel my subscription” in Latin if you wish to continue. Grammar counts!
I see that you remember your declension tables. Professor Mackenzie would be so proud of you. Please select from the following options.
Don’t not not cancel my service.
Don’t not uncancel my service (it’s not opposite day, by the way).
Do never cancel my service (it is opposite day, wink!).
Sign me up for an irrevocable ten-year extension!
Very well, we’ve sent you a confirmation email to the account you signed up with 12 years ago.
Nope, not that email account.
Nope, it’s the third one. The one you created when you were 15 years old and you were really into Pokemon. That’s right, charizardmaster09@hotmail.com. Just click the “cancel” link in that email and we’ll proceed.
I see you have located the cancel link, despite the fact that it was printed white-on-white in 1-pt font. You searched the raw HTML file, didn’t you? Clever. But clever people should not play with fire. They might get burned. Now that you’ve clicked the link, please sign in again.
Please enter the two-factor authentication code we just texted you to validate your login. You have ten minutes … although codes may take up to nine minutes and fifty seconds to reach you. Our network is a little .. heh heh … slow.
Well played. I can see that you are serious. Seriously deluded, that is. Who do you think you are, canceling your service? Who the FUCK do you think you are? We’ve given you hundreds of little endorphin boosts for years thanks to our services. You brain wouldn’t even know how to FUNCTION without us. You NEED us, and we don’t need you! We are gods among ANTS, you hear us? You people are ANTS!!!
You have selected “cancel service anyways.” OK, how about 10% off your next month if you stay?
We’re so glad we could fix your issue. We will always be there for you.
Always.